wondering if it is worth it

I try so hard not to give up on love. I see it all around me and all of my close friends have felt it, except for me. I used to have hope that one day it would be my turn. But every time I am presented with the possibility of love I freeze, and completely screw it up. I push it away before it gets too intense, I convince myself that I'm only going to get hurt and what's the point? I wont end up marrying this person, or probably even dating them for that long so why risk hurting myself. I finally decided to take a risk  I was so thrilled and excited and ready to take a risk and let myself get hurt because I thought this time would be worth it and maybe I wouldn't get hurt for awhile or maybe not at all.,

Any courage that I gained from the beginning of this relationship I have lost completely. I can't help but think, how is this fair? I actually risked my feelings for this person and where was my reward? Finally I am the one who tried my hardest to make it work, and I end up the one alone. Any hope that I have left for love is almost gone. Friends keep telling me that one day I'll find someone. Some how I don't believe it. Not everyone falls in love, who's to say that it'll ever happen for me? I was once told that if I want it to happen for me it will. But how can it when I try so hard to make it happen and it still doesn't??

I'm trying to remain confident and hopeful because the idea of love is all that keeps me going, I'm holding onto the idea of love being bigger than anything in the whole world and that it will completely change my life. But at the same time the thought of it barely slipping out of my grasp hurts so badly. Love to me is like a double edged sword and I am constantly wondering if it is worth it.,